When there is only space for one person in the couple relationship to be ‘right’ the battle gets more and more desperate and there can be painful consequences.
Sometimes expressing anger can be clarifying, even liberating in relationship, especially when consciously done, but repeated angry venting to our partner can lead to escalating, heated arguments.
When couples are caught in verbally attacking in anger, it is hard to hear where the other person is coming from. We can get so caught up in being right that we don’t listen to the other side that our partner is sharing.
It is very difficult to see what part we are playing in this, when we are caught in a repeated pattern of arguments, periods of withdrawal or both. Our focus can be much more on the emotional pain our partner seems to be causing us.
Most couple relationships have their own unique ‘blind spots’ where unconscious dynamics can have painful effects. Often these repeating arguments and times of disconnect are the result of unmet needs that we aren’t fully aware of and we get ‘triggered’. Unintentionally we can project these onto our partner in a way that makes things worse, and our partner does the same with us with their unconscious unmet needs. Defences build and the arguments can escalate, or the withdrawal can grow.
It can be fertile ground for blame, guilt or shame as we see our partner acting in a way that we think is intentionally hurtful and we can become defensive in our reaction and the spiral of argumentative conflict escalates.
Where the relationship is definitely abusive other interventions are obviously needed, but I am referring to non – abusive relationships here.
Obviously, there isn’t a one size fits all in working with angry arguments or stand-offs. Often though, whatever the background, whatever the content or how it’s expressed or repressed, we need to look at ourselves and understand what we are each bringing to the conflict instead of blaming the other.
This is where couples therapy can really help. When there is a willingness to engage in self-reflection and hear each other, we can become aware of the underlying reasons for our own and our partner’s behaviour. I bring my balanced awareness to what you are both experiencing and together we can illuminate what unconscious patterns are being played out between you.
Understanding and compassion can then replace blame or guilt. The couple at war can start to become allies for each other’s growth and fulfilment.