Yes, it’s not a sexy subject. Yet if resentment sets in and communication breaks down it can be very hard to find your way through and eros won’t be flowing.
Arguments about putting the bins out, cooking AGAIN or what constitutes ‘mess’ can escalate from niggles of the everyday to feeling deeply disrespected.
Sometimes we bring expectations about how things should be in the home that we aren’t even aware of until our partner has very different views. There can be unconscious assumptions from our family of origin or our culture, which may be different from our partner’s. Gender roles can still be assumed in relation to housework and interfere with agreement about who does what.
We can be responding with surface level solutions to problems such as housework without necessarily listening to the deeper emotions being felt in the conflict. It can certainly help to have an agreement about who does what around the house, but if one or both people in the couple are not feeling appreciated enough for what they do then the practical solution won’t get to the root of the issue.
When you are at an impasse and have tried to resolve things together but without results, then couples therapy can help along with your willingness to explore what you are each bringing to the situation.
There would be an emphasis in couples therapy on understanding yourself and your partner better. Together we can also look at practical help in applying this deeper understanding to patterns of conflict or emotional distance as well as to the presenting everyday struggles.